Dream Analysis

Dear The Amazing VanderHawk:

I keep having this re-occurring dream that truly disturbs me. I hope you can help me and tell me what it all means. In the dream, I am standing on top of a tall building on a busy street somewhere in a big city. I look down and see the people below all moving very quickly, in their cars and on foot. I am holding a red flag and waving it with all of my might. No one seems to notice me. Suddenly, overhead, a large, black crow flies by and swoops down upon me. He grabs the flag out of my hand. Then the crow mysteriously becomes a helicopter!

The helicopter then begins to drop what looks like small dinner rolls on the people below. I begin to scream and I lose my balance and fall off the building. This is usually when I wake up. Please, can you help me and tell me what all this means?

Thank you for your help, Mr. Amazing VanderHawk.

Signed, Disturbed in Detroit

Dear Disturbed:

It sounds to me like you might be a lesbian.
Let me elaborate. You begin by saying that you are standing on top of a tall building. In dream analysis, we all know that tall buildings represent the male penis. By standing on the penis, you are obviously superior to the penis. And therefore a lesbian. But analyzing your dream further, we also know that holding a red flag is significant. The color red in dream analysis represents anger. Either anger or extreme joy. So when you are waving the red flag, you are either angry at the people below, or are extremely happy for them. My guess is that you are waving at them to get their attention, probably to say, "Hey, look at me, I'm a lesbian!"

Next, you mention a black crow that seemingly appears out of nowhere. The black crow is actually your subconscious. Telling you to shut the hell up. We know this because he grabs the red flag. In dream analysis, 'grabbing the red flag' always means, shut the hell up. The crow transforming itself into a helicopter dropping dinner rolls is just too strange for me to comment on. You might want to check out some mental health facilities in your neighborhood. Finally, the screaming and falling is a very common occurence in dreams. And in dream analysis, we all know that screaming and falling means you have a fear of penises. Therefore, you are a lesbian.

Dear The Amazing VanderHawk:

Hi!
In my dream, I was hungry so I went shopping. At the supermarket, I was wandering around and placing basically normal items in my cart, but I remember specifically searching for trail mix. I then went to this section where there were cookies lying on a table. Probably the bakery area. I non-chalantly grabbed a cookie and placed it in my mouth, beginning to chew. A nasal-like female voice came over the loudspeaker and said, 'We know you have the cookie. Keep it in your mouth and come to the front of the store.' That's when I woke up.

Signed,
Nichole S.
Descriptions/Uploading Dept.



Dear Nichole:

Ah, yes.
The classic 'supermarket-shopping-and-putting-cookie-in-mouth' dream. How many of us have had THIS one?

In basic dream analysis, we know that shopping in the supermarket for trail mix is symbolic of intense insecurity. The kind of crippling, debilitating, dehumanizing insecurity, that you can barely stand to even look at yourself in the mirror without feeling flushed with overwhelming, devastating, and pitiful disgust.

The idea of shopping in a supermarket, therefore, is your way of escaping your crippling insecurities, and redirecting your inadequacies toward yummy foods. You may feel like life is not worth living, but you still have Ho Hos and Moon Pies to sooth your troubled psyche.

You mention that you nonchalantly grab a cookie and place it in your mouth. This is particularly significant. According to Immanuel Kant, that most imminent of philosophers, the action of 'grabbing a cookie' usually means you have a yeast infection. Sometimes heavy, sometimes mild, it's hard to tell. It depends on the type of cookie.

The nasal-like voice you hear over the loudspeaker informing you to report to the front of the store is most likely Regis Philbin. He seems to be showing up in a lot of people's dreams lately. It's really kind of scary, if you think about it. The nasal-like voice is the tip-off. Either Regis Philbin or Richard Simmons.

And 'calling you to the front of the store' is, again symbolic. However, this symbolizes your feeling of supreme superiority over all those you have known and ever will know. By being called to the front, this is your way of saying to yourself, ' I am the greatest thing on two legs to ever grace the planet earth'. And this, coupled with your crippling insecurity, is what makes you such a basket case. It's surprising you can pull it together enough to make it through the day! My hat goes off to you, for containing your wild, erratic impulses, and pretending to be a functional, somewhat normal human being.

Thanks for your letter and have a nice day.

Dear Amazing Dr. VanderHawk,

I hope you can help me. My dreams get stranger every night. This morning I woke up in a panic because I thought I wet the bed. You see, every morning I dream I'm looking for a toilet in some stranger's house... and I look ... and look...only to find some butt-high beautiful medium blue with gold mosaic print tile shelf... wide enough and deep enough to sit upon... with a pothole size hole than goes down into the deepest depths of the earth... But I really have to pee. So I sit on the cold gold and blue mosaic tiles over the pothole to pee ... but I can't at first. But then I do. The noise from the pissing pee abounds as the water floods up around my ass and all over the beautiful tiles and gushes onto the floor ... pouring all over around my feet and then it drowns my twenty-five pound cat.
Then I wake up. And I really have to pee. This scares me... because I truly love my cat. What should I do?

Signed... Really having to pee in Ohio, but I don't want to drown my pussycat



Dear Really Having To Pee...

The need to urinate during a dream sequence means one thing...
You need to get up and go to the toilet!!!
Thank you for your letter.

If you have a disturbing dream that you would like to have analyzed, The Amazing VanderHawk is offering, for a limited time, free dream analysis.
Simply e-mail The Amazing VanderHawk at amazing@vanderhawk.com.*
But please, if your dream is particularly disturbing or frightening, please keep it to yourself. The Amazing VanderHawk does not want to have nightmares.